This article was first published on 06.09.2025 in my newsletter Der Begleiter.
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Newsletter “Der Begleiter”
Again and again I encounter the same question:
Do I give children too much freedom?
Do they need more boundaries?
More strictness, or more leniency?
Over the years, another thought has come to me: perhaps it is not about this either–or.
Perhaps children need something quite different.
Adults who do not see themselves as rulers, but as servants. Not in the sense of submission, but as companions who open spaces and enable growth.
Inspired by the concept of Servant Leadership by Robert Greenleaf, who described leaders as servants of their teams, I want to share a further thought today. As an impulse, an invitation to discussion and explicitly with the call for contradiction.
Children need adults
Not as judges. Not as project managers. But as people who serve them.
To serve means creating spaces.
Spaces where children are allowed to make mistakes without fear of devaluation.
Spaces where trying things out is permitted.
To serve means setting boundaries.
Boundaries as railings, not as walls.
Orientation that gives support without shackling.
To serve means giving resonance.
Listening. Reflecting. Translating experiences.
So that children may learn to understand their world.
To serve also means taking responsibility and leading.
And finally: to serve means that adults decide which world children are shown. And whether they love this world enough to entrust it to them (as Arendt put it: Education is the point at which we decide whether we love the world enough to assume responsibility for it and hand it on to our children).
My 2+2 is 5–1 thought
George Orwell in 1984 used the famous equation 2+2=5 to illustrate power over truth. Even earlier, the Enlightenment thinker Emmanuel Joseph Sieyès had used this image to denounce inequality in French politics.
The question behind it remains: who decides what counts? Who distributes power and burden?
And in everyday life, not every sum adds up. Sometimes 2+2 is not 4, but 5–1.
This means: imbalance is allowed.
But the minus must not always fall on the same person. Not always on the child. Not always on the mother or the father. Not always on the same shoulders.
Sometimes one carries more, sometimes the other.
Sometimes one gives up, sometimes the other. That is how movement remains.
A serving adult knows: perfection is not the goal. But balance. Equilibrium. The sharing of the burden.
Needs-based within the family system.
To serve does not mean placing only the child at the centre. A family system thrives when all are seen- children, parents, siblings. Needs-based means, therefore: not that the loudest or strongest need always wins, but that needs are shared and balanced.
A child may say what it needs.
A mother may need rest.
A father may set boundaries.
What matters is that the burdens do not remain fixed, but shift in turn.
This is how balance arises in the system and true relationship.
Where are the tensions?
To serve does not mean giving in to every wish.
To serve does not mean losing oneself.
To serve does not mean doing without protection and boundaries.
To serve also means to lead. To say no when yes would weaken. To make decisions that are uncomfortable but necessary. To use power in a way that strengthens and does not destroy.
The goal
It is not about obedient children who appear well-behaved.
It is not about children who are constantly happy.
It is about adults who accompany children until they can act freely. Competent. Responsible. For themselves, for others, for the world.
Reflection for you:
Take a moment and ask yourself:
When do you truly serve your child?
When do you rather serve your own expectations or those of society, or your need for peace?
And who most often carries the “-1” in your family?
What i would like to know from you: Do children today need more serving adults or is that precisely the wrong direction?
Fin
Thank you for taking the time to reflect with me.
If this thought has inspired you, please feel free to share the newsletter.
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There I share thoughts, practices, and insights that may accompany you.
Julian
